Saturday, January 31, 2009

Am I?

Am I the one typing this out? It would make sense, take the time to write a mass of crippled characters on to a dark yet inviting blog, in order to explore my mind, and find out who I am, but if I'm not sure I exist, how do I know I didn't lie about this too?
It doesn't make sense... I lied.

I learned a little about her. She knows I need her help, yet she turns her back. Her facts are more important than her virtues - or rather, lack there of. It upsets me, I used to feel so much for her. She was my closest friend. I wished to spend my time with her as we explored the world, ourselves, learned together as a team. She no longer wants to make an account together of a shared past for she feels I must learn everything on my own, or it will not amount in the end. The life I spiked her drik with has become the only life she knows, but thought it was my fault she wound up there, she forgets I'm in it too. Does she long for the day I lose too much of myself to stay alive?

Maybe that would make it a little easier, for the both of us. Insanity isn't a bad thing, it's just so frightening, overwhelming. And fear is so fucking controlling! It has me stuck in lingo, to far gone to turn back, and not far enough to know where I am.

Let's face it, you're lost.

Yes, yes. I am. But is there anyway to repair the damage? Can't I escape this wilderness and find something secure? I need to hold on to it. My security blanket. My protection hat. My lucky charm. Tell me, intelligent written subconcious, am I stuck in a bad trip? If so, will I ever get out? I've never been any good at mazes.

Maybe I am the more 'in touch with myself'' part of you, but I still know no more than you do. I'm just more willing to accept that. And because we don't talk often, I don't have enough time to over-think things and become paranoid and insecure the way you do about everything. You feel dislike towards her because you feel she doesn't care about anything. But couldn't it just be that you don't feel comfortable around anything and you despise and envy her confidence?

Maybe... Oh, help me, please. I dont know what to do with myself anymore.

I am you. I am the part of you that you wish to become. But a part can not become another part. We need each part to join up and make a whole. Do you forget that? The problem is, you've scrambeled the parts so much that they won't fit together anymore. This comes from countless years of covering up for your own mistakes, hiding from the world and trying to pretend something you're not. Now, you are something you are not. Why aren't you satisfied?

I don't know. I don't know who this person I have become is. I don't know why I am consulting myself. I don't know why I broke in to tears over two people I barely even know because of problems they had and the hope in his eyes as he held her hand and begged for the strength to fdorgive her! I don't know who they are. I don't know what my hands are doing. I know nothing...

But now you know you know nothing. Haven't you always had a problem with yourself? The big 'who am I?' constantly at your minds tongue? So why are so so concerened now, of all times? Is it connected to your fallibilism? I think it is. But aren't we taking this journey to find out who you are? We're making progress. In order to fix up a broken and scattered mind, we first have to take it apart again and get inside, then we can repair it. Don't worry, we're having fin, aren't we? It's all about connecting the disconnected. First, let's disconnect the connected.

Oh, please. I'm not sure if my mind plans to help me or destroy me. I suppose I have to trust myself, if no one else.

Wish me luck.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. LOL. This is getting so meta.
    Me responding to me who was writing about speaking to me?


    Ahaha, chill out, me. You know who you are... eventually. This weird fucking experiment of yours wasn't a COMPLETE waste.