Saturday, April 3, 2010

Four digits, one guess.

Your trust in me is peculiar. I don't like you. Why must you all burden me with your complications? Am I that stable?
You can trust me, fire demon, for I have your back, as much as your very name displeases me.
I'm that wall, that rock that you pile your baggage unto another, and know my safe is locked, my code unknown. But isn't it obvious? I flaunt my password, my key hangs low between my breasts, accessable to all who dare reach.
I may be complex, but all my puzzle pieces are visible to those that look.
I will do your bidding, because it makes me feel important, and it is I you have entrusted with this mission. But don't you know? I never follow through with my plans...
But then, I never break a promise.
I hesitate to promise you that I will.
It's on my To Do list, you know, the one that seeps procrastination and lacks progression, but I have not promised anything.
If the opportunity arises, and it strikes my fancy to aid your confusion, then so be it, consider it done. If not, find a friend to rest your worries in the hands of, instead of simply me, a lurking enemy in the game of the mind, yet an ally in the ways of the world.
If I see you in the future, my eyes will glint with admiration and loathing, I will quiver in fear before your tower of mental domination, as your control and bitter words effect me like no others could ever induce.
I do hope to see you in the future, for I see that no matter who I lose, and who goes seperate ways and whatnot, that you and I are tied, even if we are reluctant to acceptour interwoven fate.
You can trust me, yes, but do not put all your faith in me. I am just as hopeless as you, and I to, am always running, hiding, shaking.
I know you better than most, and you sure know me, isn't it scarey when one can penetrate your darkest personality traits uninvited? I guess that's why we are so opposed to one another, the mind is supposed to be a safe place, and yet tendrils constantly probe.
And yet, their is some comfort in this, and while we may threaten eachother on so many levels, our boxes are locked with the very same code.
Don't you know what it is?
Four digits, one guess.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

the Height of Arrogance

"I'm imitating God".

"Well who is God imitating?"

"... Me".

I envision the satisfaction I will feel when my fist colliding with your face. It's perfect.

You run around, "you do not have a soul", and my unlimited rage was released in your direction in the form of words, I ended it with 'you can't handle your alochol' and someone directed a THWACK to your crotch.

He showed me some affection yesterday just gone. It was unexpected from he with the pretty face, as he stroked my hair and told me he was leaving. We both realized that the last person we had sex with was eachother. It was sort of sweet and romantic admitting that, so I quickly turned it into a competition as to who could get laid next first.

"I know some things"
"Yes, you carry them around in a rucksack"
"Yeah, and if I lose one, I go back and pick it up again"
"I have too much knowledge to keep it in a rucksack, so I just call it the universe".

I try to tell them I am not arrogant, to ignore all previous commentgs involving myself as a Godlike figure, and argue that I can't help it if I AM always right. The amount of times I've been wrong I can count on my fingers! And it's actually quite correct. I can't help it, either, if acid fuels my ego.

Ah, but my love for dear Lucy is incredible.

And I quote "Acid is my mistress, but weed is my bitch".

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


I'm approaching a vital point in my journey, the decision to continue progression, which may be difficult and would involve my stubborn self bending a little, becoming a little more pliable. To me, this is sort of a step backwards, but I guess in order to go forward we sometimes have to make those steps. One step backwards, ten steps forward.
However, my pride and willpower happen to be what helps me move along and stay above water, but perhaps it's time I learned to swim. I have not made a move, lately, I have been flitting in and out of extensive dramas, making out like I'm doing something. In truth, I haven't done a whole lot of anything lately, I haven't even had anything to write, and I certainly haven't learned a great deal.
I guess I just keep on thinking, "Oh yeah, I'll do it later", but later comes and I still do not move. It gets blurry and meaningless, and when I do not have goals and I am not progressing, my depression seeps back in. I need to be focused, determined, continuous.
It's just that, I have no clue what I want to do with myself, but I can no longer find comfort in doing nothing. Fun isn't really satisfying when it's all I'm ever doing, comfort just isn't effective when I know it isn't mine to find comfort in...
I learned to find great comfort in my insanity, and now it is melting away and I feel trapped, claustrophobic. I don't want to be this, and it is disappointing because I worked so dam hard to build a self I was comfortable and happy with.
This is just for procrastination, though. This isn't a leap in the arts, and I'm sure I've posted several blogs conveying these feelings earlier in the month. I just can't seem to gain focus or energy. My, even my thoughts have become cloudy and lazy!
My birthday approaches. I wanted a Mad Hatter's Tea Party. I've been talking about it since last year. Now, just over a week remains. I don't think it's going to happen.
One thing I can not stand is when people disappoint themselves. I just disappointed myself.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


I've been told to watch Natural Born Killers, and there's a 'I need to watch this film' in the pit of my stomach. I dropped some acid, and we sat down to watch this film. It came to the seen with Mallory's pig of a father, and his very face turned my trip a little off. He's what we call an ugly, a trigger that turs your trip bad.
The whole scene was so strange, I think there was laughter, like a crowd watching a comedy, only there was nothing funny about it. I was wondering the whole time if this was even the same film, and I thought "I shouldn't be watching this" directly after the father makes that comment about coming up to see how clean she was, and all I could say was "This movie is so fucked!".
There was the scene where Mallory is standing on the car, dancing, appears to be on acid, the way she's talking all floaty-like, and I remember thinking "Wow, she reminds me of me".
It warps in and out, the art of making serial killing creative and beautiful, romantic blew my mind, the filming spectacular, a true work of art.
The scene with the rattlesnakes comes up, and terror strikes me, like I'm standing in a pit of snakes, and I feel that fear of being bitten, panic, flipping out. The scene with the mushrooms did a similar thing, I thought "Wow, this is like that acid fear of the person you're being with not being them". Hit me hard.
Next to the father scene I described above, the other part that distrubed me greatly was with Jack and the girl, and watching her face, it was as if she was warping in and out of a bad trip. One moment, she was okay with Jack and what they were doing, and then when he'd say "Kiss me", her face would come over with pure terror and she'd back away, all like "What the fuck? I don't want this", and he would scare her and disgust her. I've felt that so many times, it's horrible.
My most favored part is Mickey's interview, and as soon as he started speaking, I thought "This guy reminds me of Phoenix". As the yinyang flashed across the screen, my thoughts were confirmed and I was convinced he WAS Phoenix.
I especially enjoyed when he said "It's just murder. All God's creatures do it. You look in the forests and you see species killing other species, our species killing all species including the forests, and we just call it industry, not murder".
I thought, 'This guy makes more sense then anyone I have ever met".
Also, when he said "You'll never understand, Wayne. You and me, we're not even the same species. I used to be you, then I evolved. From where you're standing, you're a man. From where I'm standing, you're an ape. You're not even an ape. You're a media person. Media's like the weather, only it's man-made weather. Murder? It's pure. You're the one made it impure. You're buying and selling fear. You say "why?" I say "why bother?"
GOD DAMN! This guy is so fucking enlightened! Was magical.
The scene of their escape, using the media as a sheild was very adrenalin-pumping, passionate and classy. I felt deep satisfaction as Jack was shot, having so much hatred for his disgusting being. I enjoyed the way the film showed that EVERYONE is fucked up, nobody is innocent, there is no good guy.
Mickey made a point, a man of integrity. Mallory was kind of drug-induced insane, Mickey was perfectly sane however.
"If I don't kill you, what is there to talk about? "
I have much admiration for Mickey, and after the film I lay shocked for so long, wondering how such a masterpiece could possibly exist. I'll have to watch it again, when not tripping off chops, but I'm certainly going to place it in my top favored films, right next to Waking Life.
Fucking amazing. :D

Saturday, March 13, 2010


Tick, tock, tick, tock.
That is your deathclock.
There is an aching chime in the winds, amidst the change, amidst the approaching downfall of all perfection.
The pocketwatch is impatient and furious like angry winds of insanity.
The little doll with eyes of analysis are judging, solving, picking, grinding. Pretty hips grind, grind, grind to the demon-dark musical!
Flowers dripping with blood, the weapons oozing the seed of the devil, bruised breasts and broken condoms.
Oh, it's magical! To taste the fear, to taste the mascara tears mixed with the bitter sweet red liquid!
Tick, tock, tock, tock.... tock... tock...
Harassed and deflowered, used and abused by the monster fucktools of demons, little moans of pleasure and glorious screams of pain!
As I look into your bleeding eyes, your broken, purple face I'm so certain I am in love with you.

Sex on the beach is sandy.

After an epic trek to a fail party, myself and this pretty little fgt decided to bail, get some sleep. He kept on asking "What do we do when we get to Charles Street?". I'm half-drunk, and feeling awkward, so I just shrug my shoulders, but I do agree that we should get naked.
Unfortunatley, after half an hour waiting for a train, whilst he half-jokes for me to suck his cock, we get kicked off for lack of a ticket. Tired, lost and cold, my clothes being drenched and neither of us having a clue where we've been kicked off, we wander aimlessly to a beach and lay down.
Once more, he tries to convince me to suck his cock, and I'm like "Hellz nah!" and he's like "There's a first time for everything" and I'm like "No, nevar!". So he's like "K, at least gimme hand", and I'm like "Hellz nah! I aint touching that dirty thing!".
I must admit to him that I am a selfish lover, and we discuss the idea of having sex for a while, because I've had my eyes on this one. (Though, I must say, I didn't really expect to end up in such a miserable state JUST to get laid).
"Kay, at least cuddle me". This gets boring after a while... "Kay, at least kiss me". "Yeah, now that you've asked me to, it'd be hell awkward, as if I'm following orders, which I never do".
We're well convinced that this is the most ridiculous sex attempt yet. He gets his hand in my pants, but I can't stop laughing at the hilarity of the situation. After some flirtatious chatter, it is a right moment to kiss, and such.
"I'm having dirty thoughts".
"Oh yeah? Like if I get on top of you like this... spread your legs, like this... Is that what you're thinking?"
He looks hell sexy right about now. "Yes, exactly. But you're just teasing, aren't you?"
"Yes, I am".
We stay in this manner for a little while....
"You got protection?"
"Finally!", I sigh, and dig about my bag.
"Hurry up, Ferret!" he says, whilst roaming about between my thighs with his hand.
"Hurry up, faggot!", I say in return as he attempts to ready his weapon.
"Shut up, bitch".
This is good, now. There is some soft biting, spanking, hair-pulling, deep penetration, and even when he flips me to my knees, some asphyxiation. T'is goooood.
This goes on for LOOOOONG time ;D, with me laughing at everything from time to time because I can't take anything seriously. But fuck off, jokesex is win.
When he finishes, he asks me how it was, leaning into my ear from behind, all sexy like. "That was...not ridiculous?"
Because I'd been talking about how ridiculous every other fucking thing all night had been. Was good sex, man. Was probably worth it.
And then it's all like "K, let's go to sleep. Bai".
Wake up, half naked, at a busy beach, and some woman is all like "Hey, girls. Are you okay?", and I lol. She thinks my pretty fgt is a girl. ^^
-Crosses that one off the To Do list-.

It seems, the only thing I have to write about these days is love and lust. I kind of fail, I'm heeeeelll losing my writing skills. Sadface.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Sobriety & Sleep-Deprivation

Dear bloggery. (I would suggest not to read this, as is merely myself, very sober and 6 days near sleepless, recording my troubles so I can review them when I am in a more off chops, rested state).

Insomnia has some strange effects on my old self. I just can't seem to sleep, but I'm not really awake enough to function properly.
It does however give me a more accurate understanding of an individuals psychology, which has been helpful. Also, maybe the sleep-deprivation, or maybe the Change itself, but I'm having this magical ability to make my thoughts manifest into reality directly before me.
I also am falling a little off balance. I have not eaten LSD for over a month, I have been drunk once this month, high once. Sobriety doesn't agree with me.
I'm also having a lot of sex. Too much, for my liking, it is messing with my pride meter. I don't REGRET any of the people I have slept with, but I do not wish for sex just for lust, it disturbs me greatly, and so far, I have only fucked friends or people I had infatuation for.
I feel I might change.
I also discovered I can be an easily deceived BITCH. Honestly. I have been a total CUNT lately, and I don't like myself this way. I think it IS the sleep-deprivation and not that I am utterly losing the self I worked so hard to build.
I also think, since most of my hard-worked character came from using LSD to alter myself for the better, ad since it's been the longest break I've had since I first took the shit... I may be... Becoming sane again.
I hate that.
One thing this sober, sleep-deprived state has done for me is heightened my concentration. I can actually pay attention, gather information, and watch the pieces fall into place.

I so need Acid and Sleep.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Don't eat trains, bro. Can't digest metal.

Pure Morning.

I'm sitting on the wall, daylight has just broke, the sun is welcoming me, yet I shy away from it. The Messiah appears, begins singing songs of heartbreak, and I sigh as it is so fitting to my current state. We wander around for a while, getting some crackers, cheese and mocha and having a little feast. The devil child approaches us, as do two young girls and we roam about initiating random conversation with passers-by, laughing at the Messiah's attempts to hook-in with the pretty girls that wander by.

Carton in hand, we wander to the tree by the glasshouse and get our drunk on, discussing this ad that under nature's shelter. The conversation turns to me, and how wonderful I am. "Do you know what wonderful means?". I am told how much I am loved, it is always beautiful to hear those words from those I also love.

On returning to the wall, my body falls automatically into the Angel's, and we hold each other for what seems like forever, breaking apart only for him to spin me around or plant kisses on my face. "You are just who I wanted to see", I tell him, burying my face into his chest. "Each moment without you hurts". He whispers in my ear, "Each second without you is heartbreak".

The two of us skip hand in hand to the church, and douse ourselves in holy water, his presence so comforting and perfect to my battered soul. On leaving the church, I bolt full speed to my Dear one, holding her to me. I then get upon my knees before her and offer her a rose. "I love you, I miss you, all apologies etc". She tells me she forgives me, giggling so cutely.

I am surrounded by wonderful souls, each of those beautiful people I'd been thinking so frantically of just hours before. I nestle on the grass with a select few of them, and we share ideas, poetry and love. Darkness is approaching, and the Angel lifts me to my feet and carries me to the presence of Angie, where the Mad Hatter stands."Oh, and could Ferret be invited?". I am now invited to a glorious party.

And only the best, the best company I should have! The one with Eyes like Ice takes me aside, telling me he has something important to say, that no one should eavesdrop upon. He wishes to discuss my Angel. "You know how you think he's so lovely? Yeah, well I think something will happen tonight that will show you how full of deceit he is".

It's suspicious, as the party crew get off the train, I overhear his conversation with a girl. His Eyes like Ice lock on mine. "It's just that she keeps hanging around --- and -----", he says to her, looking into me. "And there will come a time when 'I told you so' won't be good enough because the damage will already be done".

Dark Night

My paranoia is seeping in again, due to sleep deprivation and my idea that such a perfect day could naturally only be followed by a disastrous night. The girl with the Perfect Smile can relate to this, as we discuss all manner of things. All though I love her for all eternity, my trust for her died centuries ago.

I spend my eve watching him watching me, and listening to people silently judging me. I carry out a young boy's wishes of 'to make him melt', as his is on acid and I am renowned for loving headgames. I plant the seed: "A whole room full of people trying to send you insane". I then subjectify him, have a room full of eyes solely devoted to his tripper form. He is now quivering in a chair, with an adorable scared look on his face at every movement or word from anyone.

I've allowed him to drive himself paranoid. He goes to take a drink, I shake my head, his lips getting closer, I facepalm."I don't want it! It's dangerous!". Perfect. I then proceed to pass him various drinks, eagerly encouraging him to drink. He is now melted. In the morning, he tells me he never wants me to do that again. All I did was plant a seed! D:

The characters I shared that eve with, which never turned wrong as I thought, are the epitome of life. She with the Perfect Smile, who I shall never trust. He with the Eyes like Ice, who is very good at fucking with my head! The Mad Hatter, The Messiah, The Angel. Perfection, it was.

He with Eyes like Ice planted a seed in my reality... My suspicion was hectic that eve. My eyes darting from him to The Angel, trying to think of whom did I trust more of the two. I wish you would all just come out and say it to me, ffs.

Regardless, a wonderful day followed by a wonderful night, and my is Angie'shouse marvellous! Each of the characters was wonderful and beautiful, and I thank the universe for allowing me knowledge of such beings.

Still...If you could just say it...

I love you.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Comedy & Tragedy

False politeness, panic with a dogface, two-faced.
The fractal spirlal of one tragedy to the next, and the fine like between comedy and tragedy.
Words and slander attempting to bring you down, like taking their wicked lies of guilt out upon you for you are the shameless. You are the unbroken and the proud.
Watch them wilt like the roses on the deathbeds of their dying mothers.
Watch their guilt and shallow nostalgia and naive vanity overpower them.
False smiles and feigned politeness followed by wicked tangents attempting to bring you down, the rotting flesh of their dying mothers reaking at the nostrils of the living, the undefiable pain and suffering. Ah, but the pain of another is just so hilarious, so let us laugh at the corpse locked in the cellar, let us laugh at the basking misery of the abused children, left to rot in the care of wicked men.
Let us turn out politness and love and care into snide remarks and laughter, because that is so much easier then compassion, it makes us cool and sturdy to laugh at the misfortunes of the others, it makes us strong and immortal, so laugh with me nao at the misfortunes of others. There is a fine line between tragedy and comedy.

The birth of all evil.

Put all your love into just one thing, go on, do it. Do you know the risk you run of becomming attached? Do you know how it feels to have your heart crushed and stomped before your very eyes?
When that love that you love just doesn't love as much as you love.
It hurts, doesn't it? Wouldn't you much rather be a solid, cold rock incapable of love?
Females are the epitome of evil, the fruit of temptation, the wicked little whores that lure you in then pierce your very heart with their 6 inch stilletos.
Eve was the birth of evil, Adam was the birth of the manipulated man who put his entire heart into just one thing, to have it crushed and stomped before his very eyes.
Females take, take, take, give nothing back, then act like innocent little pretty things. Hit the bitch, hit her hard, she can take it, she deserves it.
Females think that by sitting, looking pretty, they can get away with anything, and the foolish heart of man will forgive their wicked sins. Do not forgive the Devil. Do not forgive the horrid little seed of demons. Do not forgive the slut that left you to wither and rot.
Hit the bitch, smack her good, she can take it, she deserves it.

Let your inner voice be heard!

And so, after reading through these blogs, I come to the conclussion that this is nowhere near my full potential. I know very well what I am capable of, and whilst art and discovery lay amongst my previous works, it is surely not the best I can be.

I have grown so much, more then I ever thought possible. Just one year ago, I was a trembling little rabbit incabable of speech, a little girl lacking in pride and full of shame. I was a nobody, a nothing, and while I had all of the right instruments within me to be great, I lacked the motivation and the confidence.

A year later, and I am a young woman with no shame and an abundance of pride. I know who I am, and by the Gods, am I proud to be this. If only you could see me now, fallen Angel. If only we could share words now, Doctor A. If only we could be alone together now, Mad Hatter. If only you would take me back, demon of knowledge.

A lifetime of tragedy and pain, cause and effect, has left me with an understanding of how cruel this world can be, and a need to do what I can to repair it, to help the others understand and to at the very least, create smiles on the pretty faces. Myself and my girlfriend are entirely alike in our tastes, we like the same music, the same drugs, the same people, the same kind of sex... But it is our passions that are so varied, and many people fail to see that this is what sets us apart.

I am assertive, proud, stubborn, angry and passionate.
She is passive, indifferent, stubborn, apathetic and submissive.

My opinions and passions matter to me a great deal in this life on this treasured earth. My heart cracks and aches as I watch the army of ants, mindless drones, flock of sheep wander on by without a care, living by the motto of "I may not agree with what is going on, I may see it is wrong, but there's not much I can do, so I'll try to accept it".

Wrong you are, how very wrong. You are the bystander in the destruction. History shows that one man (or woman) can in fact have a possitive (or negative) influence on the world, alone. There are many such types of people with this belief, and you choose to sit back in a world you know is wrong, not even raise your voice. You lack in passion.

By simply doing nothing, no right or wrong, you are supporting the wrong. There is a place in hell for those who do no wrong, and no right, according to Dante's Inferno. This is a place reserved for the fence-sitters, and whilst they never sinned, they sat back and watched, and did no good for their world, or anyone or anything in it.

I am not saying I truely believe in hell, but I do believe that the sins recited are such that we should try to stay clear. (Not all of them, obviously, such as being a non-believer). But there are words of wisdom in every faith, every belief.

You can do something. I do not know how the passive mind opperates, I myself never hesitating to raise my voice, and being deemed arrogant for it, but I would say indeed that by doing nothing at all, meerly getting by, surving, you are doing perhaps a far more terrible thing then by sinning yourself. There is at least creation in destruction, and at these the sinners would not waste their lives.

You see, in this modern age, for human beings, it isn't just about surving now. We must do much more then this on order to feel accomplished, in order to feel satisfied and comfortabe. I myself strive for comfortability, love and admiration. Above it all, however, is my desperate need to save this earth and each creature that inhaits it,to have a possitive influence on humanity and the future.

Now this may seem like a goal one woman alone could not fullfill, but this is not the case. As I stated, many solo beings have achieved great and terrible things since the dawn of Time, and I believe that if you are determined and passionate enough, anything is possible. It is a crucial point in history, and it is the most exciting possible moment we could hope to be alive.

I fight for love, which may be as redundant as trying to prevent deforrestation in a desert, but I shall not be crushed beneath them. I will not use violence, or harm anyone or anything, I haven't killed even a fly since I was a child. How to get te message across? How to spread the awareness? How to convince people that we can, and we will fight, for what we believe to be right?

I have been trying desperatly for a long time, and I will keep trying until the day that I die. I will continue to write, and sing, and speak of everything I ever learned, felt, thought, spoke. I will not sit back and watch myself be used and abused by a world that doesn't care! Perhaps you can live with yourself, perhaps when it's all said and done you'll lie, and say you did the best you could, knowing very well that you did nothing.

But you can do something, even the smallest steps count, even the quietest of whispers count, and eventually, they will have to hear us! They will not be ale to ignore us any longer, for we will rise from the ashes of the brave new world, and we will conquer the darkness with our eternal love & light!

This is what we were born to see, to witness the revolution, and not only witness it, but make our mark in history itself. We clench our fists, but we love unconditially. 'We are Anarchists of good taste, we are terrorists of untruths!'. Stand up, fight back for the soul they stole the moment you were born and do not... Do not suffocate that inner voice that wants to scream, let it be heard!

Calling all who have ever felt like there was something wrong with the world, felt like change was in order, felt unwanted, abused, mistreated, scammed, fucked over. Calling all who would wish to see a brighter future, who would wish to see a longer standing for our earth, who would wish to see our colors shine instead of being inked into a mist of black!

I will not stop, I will not rest, you will wake up, and when you do, you will know your purpose. The world is waiting.

All my love is with you.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Okay, I believe you, but my Tommy Gun don't.

I am heaven sent,
Don't you dare forget.
I am all you've ever wanted,
What all the other boys all promised.
Sorry I told.
I just needed you to know.
I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems,
Shelter from cold.
We are never alone.
Coordinate brain and mouth.
Then ask me whats it like to have myself so figured out.
I wish I knew...

I hope this song starts a craze.
The kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
The kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are,
With whoever they're there with.

This is war.
Every line is about,
Who I don't wanna write about anymore.
Hope you come down with something they can't diagnose, don't have the cure for.
Holding on to your grudge.
Oh, it's so hard to have someone to love.
And keeping quiet is hard.
'Cause you can't keep a secret
If it never was a secret to start.
At least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight
But I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us.

Oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
We are entirely smooth.
We admit to the truth,
We are the best at what we do.
And these are the words you wish you wrote down.
This is the way you wish your voice sounds,
Handsome and smart.
Oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart.
And it's all from watching TV,
And from speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn't stop if I could.
Oh it hurts to be this good.

You're holding on to your grudge.
Oh it hurts to always have to be honest
With the one that you love.
Oh, so let it go..
We're concentrating on falling apart.

We were contenders, we're throwing the fight
But I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe.
We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight
But I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us.

This is the grace that only we can bestow.
This is the price you pay for loss of control.
This is the break in the bend,
This is the closest of calls.
This is the reason you're alone,
This is the rise and the fall.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight
But I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe.
We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight
But I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Cheshire Cat smile.

Cheshire Cat, with your darting in and out of my radient reality, half-smile and pride, so intelligent, I just know you like headgames, vote insanity, we're all mad here... Those eyes boaring into my mind, antenna feeling for any concious thought, and you find it, that's why you like me, Cheshire Cat, but you can't resist a mindfuck. Fucking my mind is better then not fucking me at all, right?

Mad Hatter, with your coats and vests and Tripper Logic insanity, dining over tea and experimenting in the arts of cooking, bow, and be polite, but NEVER conform. Integrity, people! Those eyes, half there, half in me, the art of communication is not lost with you, and you see I can hold a conversation, that's why you like me, Mad Hatter. You respect me as equal, but you can't resist a mindfuck.

White Rabbit, pedantic and vain, but not shallow. With your symbology and air of good luck even whilst tragedy bites at your heels. A very important date indeed, 21122012 marks the calender of those eyes. Those eyes, analysing me with curiosity and passion, not a word of yours is wasted for the sake of being heard, you live in the now, make the most of each moment, each fleeting emotion. But you can't resist a mindfuck, that's why you like me, White Rabbit.

My, my. Take me to Wonderland, would you?


No where to go.

In danger.
Can't stay here.

Want to go back.

no way to go back.

In danger.
Can't stay here any longer.

And let the butterflies be lions.

Soundwave 2010 (Because '10' or oh 10, just sounds dumb)

We spend lengthy time looking for Stage 5. The map is misleading and errored, and as consequence, we miss out on Shinedown, and spend the time waiting for Alexisonfire, kissing beneath the showers.
As consequence... We soak all our cigarettes and spend time drying them in the sun, asking for Rollie papers. My fists were clenched at the lack of '44 Caliber love letter' as was everyone Else's around Alexisonfire.
I have seen Elora Danan a total of 5 times in my short life, every fucking time hoping they'd play 'Who are you!? Stop writing in my diary!!". They only had a few fucking songs, and they NEVER played it. This lack of song by Alexisonfire pissed me off equally.
We bounced around the area, running from the sound of Paramore. "You're not punk!", I scream. "Get of the stage!". If there's one thing I can't stand, it's stupid fucking pop-emo bands claiming to be punk because they dye their hair.
The most epic thing of the entire day was the guy dressed as Jesus with 'What wouldn't I do?' written on his back. I lol'd so hard. Also, the amount of wonderful hair surrounding me... Long metal hair, liberty spikes and hawks, dreads and emo hair. I was in hair heaven!
Finally, Placebo. I dragged my girl as close to the front of the stage as possible, and adrenalin was pumping. I felt like I was on fucking acid, I was that happy! Oh, and I nearly melted as I hear the line 'Sucker love is heaven-sent'. And then, to make things even better, I heard the line 'I was alone, falling free, trying my best not to forget'.
So, as I'd said earlier, I didn't care what songs Placebo played, since I love ALL the music, but it just happened to be my favorites. Just as I was on the verge of lyrical climax... 'You are one of God's mistakes, you crying, tragic waste of skin'. That sent me over the edge. And MY, did the crowd go WILD for Placebo! Was incredible!
Unfortunately, we had to leave a few minutes before hand so we could see Meshuggah, so I didn't see them finish. Why, oh WHY did the two bands I was most looking forward to have to be overlapping!? Meshuggah are dumb, though. They wasted 25 minutes warming up!
Was still FUCKING AWESOME seeing them. I discovered lengths in my hair I didn't know existed! Oh, and the smartass vocalist thinks he'll show his love for Australia by wearing a fucking corkhat. Was pretty hilarious, though.
We mission over towards the main stage and chill on the grass, and I after a while, I realise the music I'm hearing is familiar. I stand up and see Davey Havok, my pre-teen celebrity crush. I lol. SIX years ago, had I been there, I would have gone insane. Now, I was like 'Meh'.
The entire time, I was wondering how a punk as fuck band suddenly became emo as fuck. Davey is a pretty cool guy though. I was listening to him talking, and I must say, AFI do a pretty good performance. And how did I KNOW they'd finish the fucking thing with 'Miss Murder'!?
We went for a cigarette hunt, and encountered this guy who wanted livestock, cattle or sheep, he suggested in trade for a rollie paper. In the end, he agreed to my girlfriend's deal of three kids from me. I was like 'WUT!?'.
He was wicked as, had really faintly colored clock-hands on his arm, and I melt at anything to do with Time. Then he asked us to write on him before he ran away, and Krys wrote 'I dub thee sir douche', and I wrote 'You need acid', to which he agreed. Said reality was too boring and he wanted to go to the 'psychotropic' universe.
We waited over 9000 centuries for Trivium to fucking start playing, because we were going to watch half of them, then half Gallows. But they decided to copy Meshuggah and delay us all, so we only heard two songs before me had to bolt.
Disappointing, because I just KNOW it would have been mad. I swear, Trivium are the most popular band int he world. About 40 percent of soundwave population had Trivium shirts on, followed NOT closely at all by Alexisonfire, and then by Tool, strangely enough. I was like "Tool aren't fucking here... which makes me sadface". Maynard's voice = instant orgasm.
Gallows owed the night by FAR. And here I was thinking punk was dead. I'd never actually listened to them before the night before, and on hearing the couple of songs I heard, I was like "Yeah, might as well check 'em out at Soundwave". So fucking glad I did!
"Some pretty great bands here, and some pretty shit ones. I want you all to go watch Escape the Fate play, and just stand there and boo". He got us to practise. "We pretty much crush all other performances of the night. This next song is one by Black Flag, and if you don't know who Black Flag is, you probably shouldn't be at this festival".
I'd had the urge to release my inner 'Fuck yeah!' all day and all night, but nothing had yet been quite worthy as that last sentence. Fist straight in the air, before I could even think, "Fuck yeah!". I love when I satisfy urges!
I'm going off like crazy, and they're jumping around on stage, and the crowd is like -moshmoshheadbangmosh2stepmoshscream-, and they get a fucking human pyramid going and I am SO FUCKING SATISFIED. I have never, ever seen a performance like that!
Me and Krys have a lovely cuddle on the grass as we listen to Jimmy Eat World, and I glare at some cunt as he tells 'em to get off the stage, because it's very mean to say that. But then I think, well, maybe a few people thought that when I said it to Paramore. Sadface.
I've been waiting to hear them play my song, and just as they're about to leave stage... The Middle comes on and I have to kick my girlfriend off my lap so I can get up and dance and sing like never before. This song saved my fucking life!
Now, what the crowd has been waiting for, please enter Mike Patton and Faith No More! -Crowd goes wild, and crowd is entirety of Soundwave-. By this time, me and Krys are exhausted and our stupidly heeled feet hurt like cunts, so we sit down and just listen.
Pretty shit, because I just know Mike Patton's stage performance would have been epic as all shit. I just yell "Thank you for influencing Todd Smith and thus giving birth to the ideas that spawned Dog Fashion Disco!", to Mike Patton.
We play with glowies and cigarettes in the grass while we baby-sit some pillhead guy and watch all the pretty girls and boys walking past. I kept falling in love with people. They had cool green mohawks and electric blue liberty spikes and long, silky black hair, and cool tattoos, and they had shirts of Tool, and The Doors, and Nirvana, and The Cure, and The Ramones! -Melts-. What was I supposed to do?
Fucking epic. So satisfied with that. Hee.

Friday, February 26, 2010

I think... Too much?

I think... Maybe I've eaten too much acid.
My fantasy is all reality, and reality went down the rabbit hole and came back fantasy because I wanted to make it a little more intense and eccentric. And then the stars were triangles, I'm pretty sure they were telling me I was insane, but I couldn't believe them because some guy I was chillin' bawlz with told me you can never take too much acid...
I told him this was lies and slander, but then my girlfriend agreed, and suddenly I was at the mad hatters tea party, and the tea was made of datura, and I thought 'This is cool', but then I inhaled too much shisha and I think I passed out, twice, because suddenly it was 8:30pm and someone was handing me sickly sweet alcohol....
And all my friends were with me in the hair.
I couldn't believe in the train tracks anymore... And no one EVER told me I could get addicted to 'what the fuck'. Somehow, the fractals were alive inside of eachother and all I could do was smile and express my love for everything.
Tell me if I'm wrong, but isn't this exactly what the Cheshire cat was talking about?
It reminded me all too much of every waking moment of my life, and I can't remember ONCE having an intelligent conversation with someone. I feel heavily sleep deprived, which is surprising because I wasted my whole Australia celebration running from aboriginals and passing out all over the place.
I remember threatening the water, because it was cold and oddly colored.
I don't know if I ever told you everything comes at a price. Two points or a headjob.
But then, there we were, cigarettes in hand, and the smoke was telling me I was beautiful and I was telling someone they had beautiful colors, while someone was telling me I did not have an aura at all.
Everything is madness, now, peaking to the point of no return.

He says he's not asleep. He says nothing more. I try and comprehend the idea that possibly I am not dreaming... And then she says she wants acid, and I have to remind her we are currently hallucinating aliens.

But anyways, enough about whatever it's all about, more about the nothing that is inevitable.

Oh, and, I'm sorry. So sorry for letting you all down. I kind of suck an astronomical sized universal cock at the moment, because my brain is damaged, and there's nothing wrong with that. I love acid.

I don't think I'm ever coming down, just so you all know. I'm never going to pull my head in, my head is somewhere deep in the multi-colored space/time continuum and I'm freaking out, man. I'd ask you to come and find me, but I've found way too much already. I can feel my mind compacting and expanding and I can't learn to dope.

I think I've eaten too much acid. Just so you know.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

My impression of Krys's battle with her mum. ^^

It was at this point in time when my mother rudely yanked me from the computer seat by my hair. I screamed and attempted to hadouken her, but because I am made of fail and aids, it turned into a Hadoucan't! I cried in embarassment. She told me all I ever did was sit on the computer, and I corrected her, telling her that I was actually sitting on the chair. She lol'd at me and falcon punched me, so I tried to do one back but it turned into a Falcon OSHI! I was just not winning here! I told her to stop interfering with my life, and she said "What life, you fat geek!". So, I smashed her, and ended it smoothly with a... OH NO BRO... A curb fail! She stood up and glared at me and turned into the incredible hulk, all green and shit, and was like "You don't wanna see me when I'm angry!". I threw my iPod at her, and it hit her in the cunt and she was like "AWSHIT, MY BAWLZ!". At which point, I attempted a corkscrew kick but I pressed all the wrong buttons and it turned into YOUGOTAIDS! I was so devastated now, so I pulled a face like this D: and shouted 'sadface' at her! "I just want to get back on Myspace and see if anyone commented on my tuff photos!". She called me a scene kid and was like "Lolfailfgt". I was heavily insulted at this point. She smashed me a few times before leaving. I screamed "Pikaaaachhhhhhuuuuu!" after her, and then I sent out Magikarp and he spashed her over 9000 times and IT DID NOTHING. It was then that I totally wished I had a safe bro... But all I had was condoms which people kept handing me because they thought I was a slut, so I attempted to suffocate her with one, calling her a dickhead the whole while. Finally, she was like "Peace, man. Smok'a of de earth. Ya man!". So I was like "Ya man" and gave her the peace sign. I quickly got back online, to check my Twitter and go back into that chatroom. Yeah dardz.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Love is this.

You're gone for two hours, and I miss you like you've been gone two lifetimes. My mind reverts to you, and all plans of happiness and excitement will have to wait 'til you return to me. Even while you're gone from my sight, my thoughts and my heart keep track of you and I fantasize about that pure moment when we reunite.
Is this love?

If you were to say to me, that you needed me, at any time, for anything, anywhere, I'd be there, putting all else aside to make sure you were smiling again, because the most fullfilling moments of my life are seeing you smiling. If anyone or anything were ever to rob you of your perfect elf-girl smile, I would turn all my passion into rage.
Is this love?

Whenever I am down and out, lost and not found, on the very ehge of my mind and withdrawing from sanity, a simple whisper from you, or a gentle touch can ease all, and you always do it, always. Even when the world wants to kill me, and every friend I ever had is an enemy, your pretty face erases all negativity.
Is this love?

I want to be with you always and constantly, I would forfeit everything for just another moment with you, just another time to tell you I love you and to hear your cute little silly words escaping your pretty mouth, with that glint of an angel dancing in your eyes. Without you, I simply wait for you, never progressing, meerly dwelling on our memories.
Is this love?

I think of all the things that you could do, and I realise nothing could make me love you less. You are instantly forgiven for every mistake, every hurt, every flaw, like the stupid girlfriend I am, my heart playing tricks while my mind wanders. But never do you hurt me with intention, and never do you not apologise for making me feel any worse.
Is this love?

Your texts are refreshing and restoring, and I want to share them with everyone, because I'm so happy you're thinking of me, I'm so glad to know you're having fun, so proud that you are mine, my little elf-girl. But even then, it isn't your voice illuminating the darkness shrouding my soul, and even when you call, it isn't holding hands as we kiss.
Is this love?

Only word of seeing you can arise me from my perfect dreams, and sometimes, if I hear the day before, I'm too excited to sleep, I guess how kids do when waiting for Christmas morning. I'll drag myself to town 8 hours before we are to meet, and I'll sing of you to everyone I meet, and when you finally arrive, they point you out, and my face glows.
Is this love?

Without even realising I am doing it, I pull you away from people, because I'm selfish and want you for my own. You. Only you, with your elfen-face and your sparkling eyes. I can get jealous and hurt, when all your attention isn't on me, me, me. But I trust you'll always come back to me, because you're my everything.
This is love.

In answer to your question, Mr Logic, yes... Yes, I do. I love her more then I've ever loved anyone or anything, and I love often and deeply, but I would cast everything I'd ever loved aside for her.

I will make her happy.

Friday, February 19, 2010

"Highly evolved"

Human beings are notably more complex then other lifeforms on this earth, but complex does not mean 'intelligent' (a common mistake) and it does not mean 'highly evolved' (another common mistake).

Take an elephant. Elephants feel remorse, they grieve for their dead, they get revenge, they shed tears amongst many other human emotions and personality traits. The only things really seperating the two, other than physical structure of course, is that humans do not have any natural defence mechanisms, elephants skin is tough and protective, and elephants are not wiping off every species upon the earth, probably because elephants, though they feel wrath, pride, remorse and many other emotions, do not feel 'greed' which is a completely human emotions and is responsible for destroying our own earth.

It takes a 'complex' mind to create the various amonuts of technology humans have produced over the centuries. What has our so-called intelligence done? Destroyed the waters, skies, forests and life of our own Mother. Is that an intelligent thing to do? On top of that, many humans are ignorant to the fact we are almost COMPLETELY responsible for the tragedies that occur. So, who really chose to link up complex with intelligent?

An elephant doesn't know the alphabet, and it doesn't make radiation filled phone calls to the elephants in Asia, and it doesn't microwave it's food, letting out yet more radiation. With a brain that size, and it's memory almost equal to that of a human beings, I'm sure if an elephant really saw a decent POINT in learning and using these things, he probably could learn. They've taught elephants to do all sorts of things in their cruel 'I own everything ont his planet' act. But I think the elephnat knows that is kind of pathetic to have all these 'convenient' eart destroying products, when he could just as easily continue doing things as he's always done. Elephants haven't changed much since their first step on earth. Why not? Is it because their not intelligent and greedy enough to destroy their home? Is it because they're humle enough to find comfort and happiness in NOT ruling the world? Or is it truely because they're stupid?

Cockroaches are immune to most chemicals and natural diseases on this plantet, fleas can live on object surfaces for months without starving to death, most insects can freeze themselves and be unfrozen years later, still perfectly cabale of life, and most mammals can go into a hibernation period, meerly living off their body fat for months. Humans are vunerable to nearly everything on the planet, can't go for more than a week tops without food, but most can't even go without three lare meals a day, would die of hypothermia if their bodies came in contact with freezing temperatures, and couldn't ever go to sleep for more than a couple of days after a drug binge.

Drop a human anywhere in the world, naked, as he is naturally, and without his guns and his knives, as he is naturally, and anything would kill him. He wouldn't last one minute, being a weak, naked ape with nothing to defend himself with besides his brain. He is so weak, that he must rely in technology to save his pathetic skin, and in consequence of this, kill not only all of the flora anf fauna across the ENTIRE world (Because unlike other creatures, they can't be happy having just one habitat), but also their own species.

If "complex" comes with a consequence of destroying the place that we live in, the plants and animals we eat, and the water we drink, we'd be a lot better of being 'simple-minded', just as we believe every other living thing to be, and allow nature to quickly kill us off.

We are not themost "highly evolved" creature on this planet. And if that stupid, incorrect term MUST be used at all, I'd say we were the least evolved creature on this planet. Our technology is evolved, but we are not, whatsoever.

Two faces.

Two-faced and without trust.
Rather hear it from someone else, then from the horses mouth.
I've dealt with stories a long time now, and I'mthe fucking author here!

I will rewrite the wrong.

Because I like wordplay.

I like when things make sense in a tripper logic way...