I'm approaching a vital point in my journey, the decision to continue progression, which may be difficult and would involve my stubborn self bending a little, becoming a little more pliable. To me, this is sort of a step backwards, but I guess in order to go forward we sometimes have to make those steps. One step backwards, ten steps forward.
However, my pride and willpower happen to be what helps me move along and stay above water, but perhaps it's time I learned to swim. I have not made a move, lately, I have been flitting in and out of extensive dramas, making out like I'm doing something. In truth, I haven't done a whole lot of anything lately, I haven't even had anything to write, and I certainly haven't learned a great deal.
I guess I just keep on thinking, "Oh yeah, I'll do it later", but later comes and I still do not move. It gets blurry and meaningless, and when I do not have goals and I am not progressing, my depression seeps back in. I need to be focused, determined, continuous.
It's just that, I have no clue what I want to do with myself, but I can no longer find comfort in doing nothing. Fun isn't really satisfying when it's all I'm ever doing, comfort just isn't effective when I know it isn't mine to find comfort in...
I learned to find great comfort in my insanity, and now it is melting away and I feel trapped, claustrophobic. I don't want to be this, and it is disappointing because I worked so dam hard to build a self I was comfortable and happy with.
This is just for procrastination, though. This isn't a leap in the arts, and I'm sure I've posted several blogs conveying these feelings earlier in the month. I just can't seem to gain focus or energy. My, even my thoughts have become cloudy and lazy!
My birthday approaches. I wanted a Mad Hatter's Tea Party. I've been talking about it since last year. Now, just over a week remains. I don't think it's going to happen.
One thing I can not stand is when people disappoint themselves. I just disappointed myself.