Monday, June 8, 2009

Rest in pieces.

Life is about balance, pretty much. Everything should be kept within moderation, and in this manner, everything will be okay. I feel hower, like I'm slipping out of my usually perfectly balanced self and I blame acid.
There should be a fair balance between knowledge and compassion. However, due to too much acid and too much time left to kill researching aimlessly, I've began to stop caring about other people. It's not that I don't have any problems, and it's not that I'm optimistic, but I also have stopped caring about my own problems. I've gotten to state in which I believe everything I say and think is correct.
This all occured to me when a friend noted that I should be careful about my studies in physics and chemistry, because my heart may close up. This makes sense. I no longer care about being happy, and therefor, I am happy. All I care about as of now, is learning. This ruins my balance. This ruins my goal in life. Learn, teach, argue, learn, teach, argue. I'm SUPPOSED to help people, instead I study them and lecture them on what I think is correct. Regardless of whether or not I'm right, I still need to see their side of the story, learn from their points.
... And there I go with learning again.
This IS a problem, but I don't care about it all that much because... I don't care anymore. It makes me happy to not be effected by other people's problems and not notice my own. It is calm. It is safe.
And since I am TERRIFIED of everything, feeling safe is important.

I should stop taking acid, it would do me some good, but I'm OBSESSED with knowledge. I have 13 tabs up right now, including this one, and I'm jumping from one topic to the next, filling up my head and DISTRACTING myself. Much like my lovely little acid loop a week or so back (which some of you may have witnessed), the cure is to sit alone and recollect my thoughts, remember that I'm okay and that it's all in my head, and SLEEP. But I don't want to, because I'm too busy being distracted, but this is making me anxious and paranoid.

I know now how to get out of a loop if I find myself in one again. It has happened twice now, and both times, people tried to sort me out, but only I could do it right. I'm not very trusting. Both times, I took myself away and went rhough the events of the trip and previous ones until I remembered that I'd be fine. Why this helps is because alone, with only my thoughts and a secure setting that doesn't change is, nothing distracts me and takes me off course and I can figure this out. Now, if I could do that everytime I started to loop, I would learn great things. But eventually, I'm too busy thinking about how long I'll be in that loop to remember the question I was figuring out before I got distracted. This is why I will spend the majority of my next trip alone, to take the word of the fire god, and will probably do it during the day, to take the word of the doctor.

I know I may have said to many people I would discontinue my acid use, at least for a little while, but the things I learned from that last trip just needed thinking over. Both 'bad' trips have in many ways, been the best I ever had. I learn a lot more from fear than from when I'm enjoying myself on acid. I know I have advanced greatly due to my previous 'bad' trips and for that reason I will run fast into the midst of the drug, prepared but excited, ready yet curious and whatever happens during that episode, I know will be for the best, at least knowledge and experience wise, which is my goal at the moment.

In other news, it appears my 'demon' has left me for good. I guess that means a part of me has dettached itself completely. Maybe why I feel like such a fucking tool. I feel like you people. People I used to frown upon, or perhaps people I used to admire. Now I am just like you. It isn't pretty, but what can I do with my 'demon' having left? That was all the good things of me, I just never realized it until it was gone. So, goodbye instincts and safety and compassion and looking-at-the-future. Because, I am pretty much used up and dead inside now, like you people.

Rest in Pieces, my demon friend. Maybe I'll come visit you in Exitland one day.


  1. Darling, you will NEVER be like other people.
    Stop worrying.

    Note: Psychologically, the joyous lsd IS addictive, by the way. Or rather, that enlightened feeling is.
    Just make sure you always know what day it is, and what the date is.
    It's a good control-test to keep you functioning within 'everyone else's' world.
    I'd say "don't you have anything better to do" but we both know that answer.

    On that note, i've been so busy, i don't even remember my last trip properly.

    I think it's happening girl, I think I'm losing interest in drugs 0.o

  2. Studies in chemistry? Really? We did that? Pretty sure I missed that lesson. >.>

    Hm, yes, my interest in drugs wanes to. It's a good thing. Try telling this here past me sack of shit that.

    Past me thinks she's so cool and 'enlightened' because she lot her shit on drugs a couple times. Oooo. What a badass.