Some random old shit. You know, back int he day when I didn't make any sense and couldn't word my thoughts properly... Owait, still can't. Well then. Back in the day when I'd never touched acid.
28th March, 2008
The past could not be changed. Really, the past is whatever has happened. If you were to travel back in to the past and change what once happened, all you have done is added more to your past. You didn't change a thing. The original scenario already happened.
You can not change the future because the future is what is going to happen. If you were to see in to the future and see a thing you were to do, rebel and say ''Instead, I shall do this', then nothing is changed. The original thing you were to do will never come to be, and so it is not in your future, instead is what you changed your mind in to doing.
You can not change what has happened, or what is going to happen.
If you traveled back to your past in the future, then your past lies in your future. If in yesterday, you looked in to the future, your future lies in your past. There is no present. Every hundredth of a millisecond that passes is now in your past, and every hundredth of a millisecond ahead of you is in your future.
You waste time every second that passes. But what are we supposed to do instead of living, or remaining inside our heads boxed by thoughts? Life only lasts so long, and I see no meaning in it. Nothing is ever accomplished, every thing fails. Time never stops, it will just keep going. No pauses, rewinds or fast forwards. Even when nothing exists, time will continue. It is something we created that we can not escape. We trapped ourselves with our invention. A straight forward, ever-lasting adventure in to desolation.
How many days have passed? Does it matter, when every one is the same? Everything gets right back to time. All around me, life is moving forward, and I am not involved. To say it is moving forward may even be false, for it is going no where. We do not understand and we do not care to. I don't know if I am real. This could be a dream, I may wake up. But to what? My thoughts? I feel as if I think this all to confuse myself. Nothing makes sense because sense does not exist. It's only a word, and a word is only yet another of our mindless creations. This is like somebody's game.
The more I think, the more I am sure I do not exist. Near certain. This is all a blurr and I imagine this because I see nothing else.
29th March, 2008
Today I feel disconnected. At first I thought this only meant I felt nothing, but then I realized it meant I feel alone. The world has set me aside, and maybe it's because it doesn't want me, maybe it's because I do not wish to be a part of it. I'll one day realize what the deep down reason for wishing to feel this way was, until then I'll just believe that I am the only one who exists to me, yet I do not exist at all.
It all narrows down to what you believe in. If you believe in something, it's real for you. A wish shall only become true if you have faith. More importantly, 'God' only exists if you want Him to. Me? I know to much to believe in a something that doesn't exist. I doubt my own reality, why would I believe in a superior being?
I am getting closer to the end, yet there will never be an end for it is unfolding. All doors, beliefs and possibilities are locked today, I do not even know they are there. But tomorrow, I may find a key which shall unlock another piece. Then I will ponder the wherabouts of the next key, the next step to enlightenment.
And so I do not remember my dreams, but are they that? A wise person once told me that 'matter' in scientific terms, is just what is there. Do your dreams matter to you? Then think about this. That means they exist. But if they exist, what is our waking hours? Do they exist?
Maybe I am trying to discover too much at once, and ending up jumbeling the ideas around my head. But I am drawn to the center of this maze. For what reason, I may never know. Maybe when I am at the end of the tunnel, I'll find out why I was so desperate to know all along. Know what? Just know.
I don't know anything. I know nobody understands. I don't expect them to. I don't understand a thing, not even myself. I don't agree with what I am saying, but I have just managed to see past the every-day routine people have placed themselves in. I don't see the point in living, like everybody else. It is not that I wish to be dead, it is that I wish not to feel, not to think these thoughts that continue to torture me. Possibilities, possibilities. Never ending and so vast. I find little enjoyment in anything at all. I have to force myself to, pretend to. But we're all pretend, all make-believe so what does it matter? It doesn't 'matter'. Exactly. It does not exist.
I'll lose my effort in this, lose my urge to find out. I'll stop writing, maybe even stop thinking. Just this small step was a huge toll on my energy.
I believe in nothing.
I'm well aware of how ridiculous this all is, yet, I post it nonetheless because I have lost my ability to write anything new and decent, and when I came across this on an old website I thought it could be a filler? Because, I'm far too busy doing nothing to try and write anything.