The pressure of a million eyes makes me feel too conscious of my ever-building paranoia, my countless and constant fears consuming me, devouring me. Pure, tempting, mindfuck liquid. Elixir, ambrosia.
"Let us feed on your insides, little one, let us bleed you dry".
These are the resonating voices of everyone and everything that has ever been a part of me, the people I know, the mistakes I've made, the things I've left behind... Everything that is no longer me.
"In order to find out who you are, we need to start with a memory. An early memory. It doesn't have to seem significant, maybe it is nothing at all but a childhood game you remember clearly, but tell me, I will work on it for you".
Well... I sit in the wicker chair, blue, stained cushion screaming at me to put it out of it's long-life misery, yellow diamonds glinting off the face of it. I watched the prehistoric giants in cartoon form parade across the television, as I clasped two compacted models in my hands, fire-colored plastic things. It's funny, when I was little, I could place a name to any creature that had ever walked the earth. It were my favorite past-time to sit with a book too complicated for a child to be meant to understand, or a documentary, t.v series where I would watch and live out the life of the animal in my mind. I could tell you anything, back then, and I would have been correct. But now, all the names and facts have escaped me. Did my memory shatter?
"Maybe so, maybe you lost faith in your studies and fascinations. Any idea what may have caused this?"
I would've said the lost of one of those miniature models, because I lost it amongst the commotion... Yes, commotion. We were moving house, if my memory serves me right, but, oh dear, it never quite does, does it? But anyway, that couldn't be the reason, for my amazement went long on after that. Maybe the volcano?
"The volcano? Do expand".
Ah, the nightmares that ensued... I kept as book on magma and volcanoes, another previous fascination of mine, until the nightmares started, volcanic eruptions in my sleep... It honestly scared the shit out of me. I through the book away, and soon after, the nightmares stopped.
"Fear is very controlling. This may be one of the reasons, but I think something else happened. Maybe it were not a single moment like the one described, but a series of events that led up to your sudden lack of interest. You and I both know you had difficult past, you do not even wish to talk to yourself about it, am I correct?"
Of course you are, you are me, but I'm honestly trying to forget. See, when a bad thing happens and one becomes all upset about that thing, more bad things are bound to happen caused by the persons thoughts, feelings, words and actions. Let's not disturb the volcano, please.
"Oh, dear. You know we'll have to b disturbing a lot more than dormant volcanoes, right? We'll be starting tidal waves, tsunamis across the mass of your head, we'll flood you, explode you, impact you, slaughter you. Yes, there will be a massacre, but do not worry, I'm sure some good will come out of it, and if not, this is what you wanted, right? If you want to abandon your past, and also yourself, let me know and we'll move no further in our studies. But if you want to know more, you'll have to expect blood. A lot of blood".
And the drugs? Can I not just happily explore myself through my beautiful LSD?
"You can, but those experiences will always bring you back here. And you know I'm right, because I am you".
Then maybe we're both wrong.
This is a waste of time, I need to sleep and you keep scaring me.
"Your mind is a scary place. Try to compress it no longer. Release".
You're insane.
"I'm insane, you're insane. Everything in the head that surrounds us is insane. You can not separate us. Let's get along, I assure you it will be much easier this way. Painless. Would I venture so deep if I thought I'd be hurting myself?
Yes. I'm prone to hurting myself and everyone else. I do not trust you. I do not trust myself. And everything else? Everyone else? Stay the fuck away from my head. You get in here, I'll fear you. You'll be just as crazy as me. Leave this to me.
Showing posts with label insanity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insanity. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Structured beings
They haven't the talents I have, but they have one so more meaningful. I envy them for I know what I lack, but they do not envy me for they do not know what I am. I'm just the shadow of the person I am, waiting to become whole as I create this little being to do all my hard work for me, an intense game. You know what I'm talking about, right? You know who you are, right?
Ignorance truley is bliss. If I knew not what I was without, would I waste so much time trying to find it again? But then, I do not know what I am, and this is not a pretty thing. I weep in my haze of confusion, purple smoke that should be pretty but carries the stench of something rotten, something old that died just days before in the very place you stand, it's death so painful that ypu can still hear the screams as they echo, bouncing of the walls of your head as it oozes drops of acidic blood
in to your scarred hands. And the haze never faultewrs, still, clouding everything, the stench making your body topple backwards, you feel you'll pass out, you feel you'll faul backwards in to a deep hole, and if not that, then a vortex. And then, you suddenyl realise, your mind is in a whirling pool of darkness and your whole days are spent scratching at the walls of your memories for an answer, and leaving clues in your vision but the haze... the haze is too thick for you to make out the writing on the paper and as you bend down to read it, it explodes, your last hope lost, shattered like the glass stuck in the joints of your fingers, as the glass digs and peels layers of skin back to let the blood fall.
How very depressing your mind is.
Tell me, you do not believe in magic, but if you had the chance, would you toss all your riches down the well of existance, just to be sure it didn't exist? Or are you just that confident in your own decisions. I think you forget, you are just one fucking person and your stupidity and thinking what you believe is right makes me fucking paraletic! I can not stand to be around you while you think you have the power to correct everybody because you feel their thoughts are wrong. Believe me, we all are aware of your intelligence and I rarely disagree with you, but that's only because you never dwell deep enough, deep in to the center of our minds, the place I live in, and so I never get the chance to show you that you are in fact, not on a high enough level to praise yourself the way you do.
I don't believe in magic. But I believe in the power of the mind, so, anything is possible. The person who puts all their faith in a God, when I am so sure (note: this is only my belief, I am not saying it is true) that there isn't a God, can in fact see visions, their own 'proof' that a God exists. Are the insane? Are the liars? Perhaps, but isn't it also possible that they're mind, so sure of this God, has conjurred a God? Who is to say that what you see is real?
But you just accept what you're told, what you read, what you hear and see, which is no different from the man who picks up a copy of the Bible and bases his life upon it.
But you do not think beneath the surface. You think just like every other motherfucker and then claim to know mroe than them. Well, it's possible for them to learn the things you know, isn't it? But it isn't possible for people to understand the things in my head, you can not think like me. Am I insane? I think so. The belief that I do not exist, and that my thoughts are just records, that you are just a dream and that life is just a game could be insane. Fallibilism and insanity are so fucking close, if they had intercourse, it'd be incest.
It's difficult to live a life when I think every need, every want, every though and ever sense is imaginary. But, oh God, I couldn't break through even if I were right. You can not pick up this belief as fast as you can pick up science or Christianity. So either I am insane or fucking brilliant.
I'm happy with either, since neither of them really exist in my opinion.
Oh, wow, that was confusing. :)))
Ignorance truley is bliss. If I knew not what I was without, would I waste so much time trying to find it again? But then, I do not know what I am, and this is not a pretty thing. I weep in my haze of confusion, purple smoke that should be pretty but carries the stench of something rotten, something old that died just days before in the very place you stand, it's death so painful that ypu can still hear the screams as they echo, bouncing of the walls of your head as it oozes drops of acidic blood
in to your scarred hands. And the haze never faultewrs, still, clouding everything, the stench making your body topple backwards, you feel you'll pass out, you feel you'll faul backwards in to a deep hole, and if not that, then a vortex. And then, you suddenyl realise, your mind is in a whirling pool of darkness and your whole days are spent scratching at the walls of your memories for an answer, and leaving clues in your vision but the haze... the haze is too thick for you to make out the writing on the paper and as you bend down to read it, it explodes, your last hope lost, shattered like the glass stuck in the joints of your fingers, as the glass digs and peels layers of skin back to let the blood fall.
How very depressing your mind is.
Tell me, you do not believe in magic, but if you had the chance, would you toss all your riches down the well of existance, just to be sure it didn't exist? Or are you just that confident in your own decisions. I think you forget, you are just one fucking person and your stupidity and thinking what you believe is right makes me fucking paraletic! I can not stand to be around you while you think you have the power to correct everybody because you feel their thoughts are wrong. Believe me, we all are aware of your intelligence and I rarely disagree with you, but that's only because you never dwell deep enough, deep in to the center of our minds, the place I live in, and so I never get the chance to show you that you are in fact, not on a high enough level to praise yourself the way you do.
I don't believe in magic. But I believe in the power of the mind, so, anything is possible. The person who puts all their faith in a God, when I am so sure (note: this is only my belief, I am not saying it is true) that there isn't a God, can in fact see visions, their own 'proof' that a God exists. Are the insane? Are the liars? Perhaps, but isn't it also possible that they're mind, so sure of this God, has conjurred a God? Who is to say that what you see is real?
But you just accept what you're told, what you read, what you hear and see, which is no different from the man who picks up a copy of the Bible and bases his life upon it.
But you do not think beneath the surface. You think just like every other motherfucker and then claim to know mroe than them. Well, it's possible for them to learn the things you know, isn't it? But it isn't possible for people to understand the things in my head, you can not think like me. Am I insane? I think so. The belief that I do not exist, and that my thoughts are just records, that you are just a dream and that life is just a game could be insane. Fallibilism and insanity are so fucking close, if they had intercourse, it'd be incest.
It's difficult to live a life when I think every need, every want, every though and ever sense is imaginary. But, oh God, I couldn't break through even if I were right. You can not pick up this belief as fast as you can pick up science or Christianity. So either I am insane or fucking brilliant.
I'm happy with either, since neither of them really exist in my opinion.
Oh, wow, that was confusing. :)))
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