The pressure of a million eyes makes me feel too conscious of my ever-building paranoia, my countless and constant fears consuming me, devouring me. Pure, tempting, mindfuck liquid. Elixir, ambrosia.
"Let us feed on your insides, little one, let us bleed you dry".
These are the resonating voices of everyone and everything that has ever been a part of me, the people I know, the mistakes I've made, the things I've left behind... Everything that is no longer me.
"In order to find out who you are, we need to start with a memory. An early memory. It doesn't have to seem significant, maybe it is nothing at all but a childhood game you remember clearly, but tell me, I will work on it for you".
Well... I sit in the wicker chair, blue, stained cushion screaming at me to put it out of it's long-life misery, yellow diamonds glinting off the face of it. I watched the prehistoric giants in cartoon form parade across the television, as I clasped two compacted models in my hands, fire-colored plastic things. It's funny, when I was little, I could place a name to any creature that had ever walked the earth. It were my favorite past-time to sit with a book too complicated for a child to be meant to understand, or a documentary, t.v series where I would watch and live out the life of the animal in my mind. I could tell you anything, back then, and I would have been correct. But now, all the names and facts have escaped me. Did my memory shatter?
"Maybe so, maybe you lost faith in your studies and fascinations. Any idea what may have caused this?"
I would've said the lost of one of those miniature models, because I lost it amongst the commotion... Yes, commotion. We were moving house, if my memory serves me right, but, oh dear, it never quite does, does it? But anyway, that couldn't be the reason, for my amazement went long on after that. Maybe the volcano?
"The volcano? Do expand".
Ah, the nightmares that ensued... I kept as book on magma and volcanoes, another previous fascination of mine, until the nightmares started, volcanic eruptions in my sleep... It honestly scared the shit out of me. I through the book away, and soon after, the nightmares stopped.
"Fear is very controlling. This may be one of the reasons, but I think something else happened. Maybe it were not a single moment like the one described, but a series of events that led up to your sudden lack of interest. You and I both know you had difficult past, you do not even wish to talk to yourself about it, am I correct?"
Of course you are, you are me, but I'm honestly trying to forget. See, when a bad thing happens and one becomes all upset about that thing, more bad things are bound to happen caused by the persons thoughts, feelings, words and actions. Let's not disturb the volcano, please.
"Oh, dear. You know we'll have to b disturbing a lot more than dormant volcanoes, right? We'll be starting tidal waves, tsunamis across the mass of your head, we'll flood you, explode you, impact you, slaughter you. Yes, there will be a massacre, but do not worry, I'm sure some good will come out of it, and if not, this is what you wanted, right? If you want to abandon your past, and also yourself, let me know and we'll move no further in our studies. But if you want to know more, you'll have to expect blood. A lot of blood".
And the drugs? Can I not just happily explore myself through my beautiful LSD?
"You can, but those experiences will always bring you back here. And you know I'm right, because I am you".
Then maybe we're both wrong.
This is a waste of time, I need to sleep and you keep scaring me.
"Your mind is a scary place. Try to compress it no longer. Release".
"I'm insane, you're insane. Everything in the head that surrounds us is insane. You can not separate us. Let's get along, I assure you it will be much easier this way. Painless. Would I venture so deep if I thought I'd be hurting myself?
Yes. I'm prone to hurting myself and everyone else. I do not trust you. I do not trust myself. And everything else? Everyone else? Stay the fuck away from my head. You get in here, I'll fear you. You'll be just as crazy as me. Leave this to me.