Monday, February 2, 2009

Structured beings

They haven't the talents I have, but they have one so more meaningful. I envy them for I know what I lack, but they do not envy me for they do not know what I am. I'm just the shadow of the person I am, waiting to become whole as I create this little being to do all my hard work for me, an intense game. You know what I'm talking about, right? You know who you are, right?
Ignorance truley is bliss. If I knew not what I was without, would I waste so much time trying to find it again? But then, I do not know what I am, and this is not a pretty thing. I weep in my haze of confusion, purple smoke that should be pretty but carries the stench of something rotten, something old that died just days before in the very place you stand, it's death so painful that ypu can still hear the screams as they echo, bouncing of the walls of your head as it oozes drops of acidic blood
in to your scarred hands. And the haze never faultewrs, still, clouding everything, the stench making your body topple backwards, you feel you'll pass out, you feel you'll faul backwards in to a deep hole, and if not that, then a vortex. And then, you suddenyl realise, your mind is in a whirling pool of darkness and your whole days are spent scratching at the walls of your memories for an answer, and leaving clues in your vision but the haze... the haze is too thick for you to make out the writing on the paper and as you bend down to read it, it explodes, your last hope lost, shattered like the glass stuck in the joints of your fingers, as the glass digs and peels layers of skin back to let the blood fall.
How very depressing your mind is.
Tell me, you do not believe in magic, but if you had the chance, would you toss all your riches down the well of existance, just to be sure it didn't exist? Or are you just that confident in your own decisions. I think you forget, you are just one fucking person and your stupidity and thinking what you believe is right makes me fucking paraletic! I can not stand to be around you while you think you have the power to correct everybody because you feel their thoughts are wrong. Believe me, we all are aware of your intelligence and I rarely disagree with you, but that's only because you never dwell deep enough, deep in to the center of our minds, the place I live in, and so I never get the chance to show you that you are in fact, not on a high enough level to praise yourself the way you do.
I don't believe in magic. But I believe in the power of the mind, so, anything is possible. The person who puts all their faith in a God, when I am so sure (note: this is only my belief, I am not saying it is true) that there isn't a God, can in fact see visions, their own 'proof' that a God exists. Are the insane? Are the liars? Perhaps, but isn't it also possible that they're mind, so sure of this God, has conjurred a God? Who is to say that what you see is real?
But you just accept what you're told, what you read, what you hear and see, which is no different from the man who picks up a copy of the Bible and bases his life upon it.
But you do not think beneath the surface. You think just like every other motherfucker and then claim to know mroe than them. Well, it's possible for them to learn the things you know, isn't it? But it isn't possible for people to understand the things in my head, you can not think like me. Am I insane? I think so. The belief that I do not exist, and that my thoughts are just records, that you are just a dream and that life is just a game could be insane. Fallibilism and insanity are so fucking close, if they had intercourse, it'd be incest.
It's difficult to live a life when I think every need, every want, every though and ever sense is imaginary. But, oh God, I couldn't break through even if I were right. You can not pick up this belief as fast as you can pick up science or Christianity. So either I am insane or fucking brilliant.
I'm happy with either, since neither of them really exist in my opinion.
Oh, wow, that was confusing. :)))


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. There is no such thing as infinity, or zero.
    No best or worst.
    There is a middle, a mean, a median, or a mode.
    A "perfect extreme" - it's right in the middle of everything, the best at nothing, mundane and average, at everything.
    A perfect middle.
    That's me, a mix of belief and fact, arrogance and shame. Only ever half sure of anything.
    I am the unattainable, which can only mean i have failed, simply because i am unattainable.

    As i said to her once, we used to think about the same things as you when we were your age, but we "broke through" this, your philosophy, to a further place, where things feel more "real" again. I won't push you there, like i didn't push her towards there either, but when you get there, let me know. If you never get there, it'll be because of spite. Don't avoid getting there just to spite me, please, i'm not worth it.

  3. Lol. I actually did try to spite you. That's hilarious.

    What a fuckin' tosspot I was. Probably still am. But uh, I'm not THAT bad anymore... right?

    *self-doubt now*