His words are that of meaning, it sinks in deeper than any others, I feel them writhing and making their way up to my brain, travelling by way of veins, furiously pumping weak blood, under bruised and scarreds arms and a charred but still functional heart.
The problem is, as much as the words go in to my sponge like brain, they can not get to the center, I push them away and rely soley on my own delusions, but ehy? I'm sure if I were capable of just for once, accepting what I were told without questionisng it to the point of non-existance, I would be so much happier. Content, is the world, without need or want. Oh, it would be beautiful, my mind set to rest inside a beautiful dream-like realm, where I would find the colours.
But instead, I pick apart his judgement, I pick him to pieces, I can not allow he I know who is right to control my thoughts, that would be putting faith in him like he were a God. But Dr. War says I am my own God, which makes a lot of sense, it really does.
So, there was a start, a start in which I carried myself with curiosity, a fine memory and a fascination for everything. There was the end, where I go insane, maybe die, but point of, life as I know it will end. Now, what for the middle? No story should have to end so suddenly.
If this is the middle, it makes for one hell of a plotless book.
Ciggarettes laced with sedatives, crooked plans and addiction go hand in hand. I must watch out for these things in the time I stay here. Why? Not sure, but they're sure to haunt me, if not hurt me.
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Hello, mind
The pressure of a million eyes makes me feel too conscious of my ever-building paranoia, my countless and constant fears consuming me, devouring me. Pure, tempting, mindfuck liquid. Elixir, ambrosia.
"Let us feed on your insides, little one, let us bleed you dry".
These are the resonating voices of everyone and everything that has ever been a part of me, the people I know, the mistakes I've made, the things I've left behind... Everything that is no longer me.
"In order to find out who you are, we need to start with a memory. An early memory. It doesn't have to seem significant, maybe it is nothing at all but a childhood game you remember clearly, but tell me, I will work on it for you".
Well... I sit in the wicker chair, blue, stained cushion screaming at me to put it out of it's long-life misery, yellow diamonds glinting off the face of it. I watched the prehistoric giants in cartoon form parade across the television, as I clasped two compacted models in my hands, fire-colored plastic things. It's funny, when I was little, I could place a name to any creature that had ever walked the earth. It were my favorite past-time to sit with a book too complicated for a child to be meant to understand, or a documentary, t.v series where I would watch and live out the life of the animal in my mind. I could tell you anything, back then, and I would have been correct. But now, all the names and facts have escaped me. Did my memory shatter?
"Maybe so, maybe you lost faith in your studies and fascinations. Any idea what may have caused this?"
I would've said the lost of one of those miniature models, because I lost it amongst the commotion... Yes, commotion. We were moving house, if my memory serves me right, but, oh dear, it never quite does, does it? But anyway, that couldn't be the reason, for my amazement went long on after that. Maybe the volcano?
"The volcano? Do expand".
Ah, the nightmares that ensued... I kept as book on magma and volcanoes, another previous fascination of mine, until the nightmares started, volcanic eruptions in my sleep... It honestly scared the shit out of me. I through the book away, and soon after, the nightmares stopped.
"Fear is very controlling. This may be one of the reasons, but I think something else happened. Maybe it were not a single moment like the one described, but a series of events that led up to your sudden lack of interest. You and I both know you had difficult past, you do not even wish to talk to yourself about it, am I correct?"
Of course you are, you are me, but I'm honestly trying to forget. See, when a bad thing happens and one becomes all upset about that thing, more bad things are bound to happen caused by the persons thoughts, feelings, words and actions. Let's not disturb the volcano, please.
"Oh, dear. You know we'll have to b disturbing a lot more than dormant volcanoes, right? We'll be starting tidal waves, tsunamis across the mass of your head, we'll flood you, explode you, impact you, slaughter you. Yes, there will be a massacre, but do not worry, I'm sure some good will come out of it, and if not, this is what you wanted, right? If you want to abandon your past, and also yourself, let me know and we'll move no further in our studies. But if you want to know more, you'll have to expect blood. A lot of blood".
And the drugs? Can I not just happily explore myself through my beautiful LSD?
"You can, but those experiences will always bring you back here. And you know I'm right, because I am you".
Then maybe we're both wrong.
This is a waste of time, I need to sleep and you keep scaring me.
"Your mind is a scary place. Try to compress it no longer. Release".
You're insane.
"I'm insane, you're insane. Everything in the head that surrounds us is insane. You can not separate us. Let's get along, I assure you it will be much easier this way. Painless. Would I venture so deep if I thought I'd be hurting myself?
Yes. I'm prone to hurting myself and everyone else. I do not trust you. I do not trust myself. And everything else? Everyone else? Stay the fuck away from my head. You get in here, I'll fear you. You'll be just as crazy as me. Leave this to me.
"Let us feed on your insides, little one, let us bleed you dry".
These are the resonating voices of everyone and everything that has ever been a part of me, the people I know, the mistakes I've made, the things I've left behind... Everything that is no longer me.
"In order to find out who you are, we need to start with a memory. An early memory. It doesn't have to seem significant, maybe it is nothing at all but a childhood game you remember clearly, but tell me, I will work on it for you".
Well... I sit in the wicker chair, blue, stained cushion screaming at me to put it out of it's long-life misery, yellow diamonds glinting off the face of it. I watched the prehistoric giants in cartoon form parade across the television, as I clasped two compacted models in my hands, fire-colored plastic things. It's funny, when I was little, I could place a name to any creature that had ever walked the earth. It were my favorite past-time to sit with a book too complicated for a child to be meant to understand, or a documentary, t.v series where I would watch and live out the life of the animal in my mind. I could tell you anything, back then, and I would have been correct. But now, all the names and facts have escaped me. Did my memory shatter?
"Maybe so, maybe you lost faith in your studies and fascinations. Any idea what may have caused this?"
I would've said the lost of one of those miniature models, because I lost it amongst the commotion... Yes, commotion. We were moving house, if my memory serves me right, but, oh dear, it never quite does, does it? But anyway, that couldn't be the reason, for my amazement went long on after that. Maybe the volcano?
"The volcano? Do expand".
Ah, the nightmares that ensued... I kept as book on magma and volcanoes, another previous fascination of mine, until the nightmares started, volcanic eruptions in my sleep... It honestly scared the shit out of me. I through the book away, and soon after, the nightmares stopped.
"Fear is very controlling. This may be one of the reasons, but I think something else happened. Maybe it were not a single moment like the one described, but a series of events that led up to your sudden lack of interest. You and I both know you had difficult past, you do not even wish to talk to yourself about it, am I correct?"
Of course you are, you are me, but I'm honestly trying to forget. See, when a bad thing happens and one becomes all upset about that thing, more bad things are bound to happen caused by the persons thoughts, feelings, words and actions. Let's not disturb the volcano, please.
"Oh, dear. You know we'll have to b disturbing a lot more than dormant volcanoes, right? We'll be starting tidal waves, tsunamis across the mass of your head, we'll flood you, explode you, impact you, slaughter you. Yes, there will be a massacre, but do not worry, I'm sure some good will come out of it, and if not, this is what you wanted, right? If you want to abandon your past, and also yourself, let me know and we'll move no further in our studies. But if you want to know more, you'll have to expect blood. A lot of blood".
And the drugs? Can I not just happily explore myself through my beautiful LSD?
"You can, but those experiences will always bring you back here. And you know I'm right, because I am you".
Then maybe we're both wrong.
This is a waste of time, I need to sleep and you keep scaring me.
"Your mind is a scary place. Try to compress it no longer. Release".
You're insane.
"I'm insane, you're insane. Everything in the head that surrounds us is insane. You can not separate us. Let's get along, I assure you it will be much easier this way. Painless. Would I venture so deep if I thought I'd be hurting myself?
Yes. I'm prone to hurting myself and everyone else. I do not trust you. I do not trust myself. And everything else? Everyone else? Stay the fuck away from my head. You get in here, I'll fear you. You'll be just as crazy as me. Leave this to me.
Friday, January 23, 2009
The Snake
The snake wound itself around, curling, traveling centimetres at a time. So slow and graceful in it's journey, a delicate flower ready to be born, opened, ready to be harvested. And it's cold, dead eyes locked on my watery blue-grey holes and it warned me.
Go away, you do not belong, and they do not like those that do not belong.
And I knew who it spoke of, but how could I leave when I had no where to go? I should have felt leaking eyes, liquid streaking my face leaving trails of black ink, a smudged and smeared masterpeice, the battered queen. But the snake, it was so calm.
Cold skin, soft, elegant as it danced it's way up my arm, so determinated and doing so well in it's mission. For it had decided.
Dance with me.
And I could do nothing but move my eyes from side to side in an awkward jig, feeling no music, deaf to any noises but the gentle hum of a million serpents as they made their way in to my brain. A pack of vultures as they settled on their prize to feed, manipulating me with their venomous voices.
And I felt the poison rushing in, injected, my own form of heroin, as it melted away my skull and let the contents seep in to the empty shell of my head. Peices of a scattered mind falling in a bitter catastrophe as they began to feast, heads buried amongst the pale pink.
They's torn their way through skin and bone, ripped, crushed and leaking my brains all over the floor, and they lapped it up hungrily.
You mindless creation, look what they've done to you? Oh.but we warned you. We triedto get you to leave, but you kept coming back for more. Such greed.
The words dripped heavily from the serpents pretty tongue as he made his way out my eye socket, forcing the eye down the sides of my face in a full circle, then pushing it in to my mouth, my tongue wetting the already moist morsel, and as I bit down, I tasted all my memories, all the visual experience, all the colors and lights came back to me. It was spectacular. I'd never seen it all at once, and now here it was, inside my mouth, as I tasted all my visions once more.
And now the snakes began to feed me peices of my brain.
These are the thoughts you neglected to think. They were always there, you just couldn't find it within yourself to think anymore, could you? But here is the mind you thought you'd lost. It's still there.
I chewed each thought with care, the taste peculiar.
Never will I venture that far. But the experience, it must be had. And I learned so much from it, could more be taken? What an adventure, I'm up for more.
Too late, I forgot that I locked the door. I was trapped here and I couldnt stay any longer, not with my mind rebuilding itself...
Too late, I forgot there is no escape. I'm stuck in a circle, a permanant loop, and it isn't just a game anymore, Hide and Go Seek is well and truely a thing of the past. Sometimes I wonder how I can remember that far back.
The last thing I saw was my hands crashing in to my eye sockets, nails ready to tear me to shreds. The last thing I thought was...
Oh dear, I think I'm gone.
Go away, you do not belong, and they do not like those that do not belong.
And I knew who it spoke of, but how could I leave when I had no where to go? I should have felt leaking eyes, liquid streaking my face leaving trails of black ink, a smudged and smeared masterpeice, the battered queen. But the snake, it was so calm.
Cold skin, soft, elegant as it danced it's way up my arm, so determinated and doing so well in it's mission. For it had decided.
Dance with me.
And I could do nothing but move my eyes from side to side in an awkward jig, feeling no music, deaf to any noises but the gentle hum of a million serpents as they made their way in to my brain. A pack of vultures as they settled on their prize to feed, manipulating me with their venomous voices.
And I felt the poison rushing in, injected, my own form of heroin, as it melted away my skull and let the contents seep in to the empty shell of my head. Peices of a scattered mind falling in a bitter catastrophe as they began to feast, heads buried amongst the pale pink.
They's torn their way through skin and bone, ripped, crushed and leaking my brains all over the floor, and they lapped it up hungrily.
You mindless creation, look what they've done to you? Oh.but we warned you. We triedto get you to leave, but you kept coming back for more. Such greed.
The words dripped heavily from the serpents pretty tongue as he made his way out my eye socket, forcing the eye down the sides of my face in a full circle, then pushing it in to my mouth, my tongue wetting the already moist morsel, and as I bit down, I tasted all my memories, all the visual experience, all the colors and lights came back to me. It was spectacular. I'd never seen it all at once, and now here it was, inside my mouth, as I tasted all my visions once more.
And now the snakes began to feed me peices of my brain.
These are the thoughts you neglected to think. They were always there, you just couldn't find it within yourself to think anymore, could you? But here is the mind you thought you'd lost. It's still there.
I chewed each thought with care, the taste peculiar.
Never will I venture that far. But the experience, it must be had. And I learned so much from it, could more be taken? What an adventure, I'm up for more.
Too late, I forgot that I locked the door. I was trapped here and I couldnt stay any longer, not with my mind rebuilding itself...
Too late, I forgot there is no escape. I'm stuck in a circle, a permanant loop, and it isn't just a game anymore, Hide and Go Seek is well and truely a thing of the past. Sometimes I wonder how I can remember that far back.
The last thing I saw was my hands crashing in to my eye sockets, nails ready to tear me to shreds. The last thing I thought was...
Oh dear, I think I'm gone.
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