Tuesday, May 19, 2009


I witnessed a happiness I thought impossible for me. I was without worries. I was so free, felt needed and loved. Felt like I could really use this. Wondered why the hell I'd never been interested in this kids before.
And then something happened, something I thought impossible for me. I was so worried, all my liberation and happiness gone. Felt like I'd fucked up bad, couldn't remember how. Wondered why the hell I'd been so happy seconds before.
On the verge, on the brink.
And he came along, because I told him I needed him.
And he forced me to meditate. He forced me to clear my mind and start fresh. He saved me from my mind.
He then reminded me in my dreams. "Dear, you're so worried, so fragile, you're going insane, and you can't rely on me forever". Realized I'm a whiney little bitch that can't support myself. Well, shit.
I asked him a lot. He simply told me "Do not trust me, do not fear me". I felt a little unsure as to how both could be accurate. But I let him hold me, protecting me, constricting me. I let him, and I told him he could have me, told him he could become.
He gave me a nightmare to show me just how dangerous I was getting.
I can't say goodbye, I'm no damn good with goodbyes.
I'm going to put it all on hold and let it come to me, I'm no damn good with taking action.
But I'm so scared, and my hope is wavering.
I know I can't keep you here forever, but I beg you now, just stay a little longer. I need you.
"Keep yourself together, for the team. Come on, come on, now, little one. It's not so bad, and you don't need me at all", he says. "All you need is to realize all of this is your doing, I am not great, you are a part of me, as I am a part of you. We are one. You need yourself, not me. Stop thinking there is one greater than you, there is not. And I will hold onto you, but do not ever trust me, I press this, never let yourself trust me, love me, need me. You are never going to be alone, little one, I must warn you now, but don't be scared, honey. Do not be scared. You are okay. You're getting mixed up in the codes. I'm here now, and I will be, until you let yourself go insane. So don't go crazy, bitch. For I will be gone".
But insanity looks so thrilling...

1 comment:

  1. Being alone isn't that bad.
    Sometimes, it's kinda nice. Preferable. Sometimes, I have to sneak away just to be alone.

    I like where you called yourself a whiny little bitch, tho. :3