Thursday, May 21, 2009

Pain, lights, time.

3:38 aye em.
I'm certain that time hasn't changed a bit since I awoke. I'm certain daylight is days away. I'm certain that I'm making this shit up as I go along. I'm trying to remember.
Here is a black sheet, some unorganized life, chaotic and bruised, like wings clipped and dirty. Like the words ejected by somebody who is still dreaming.
I've given up dreaming, given up thinking, given up feeling, wish I could give up caring. And I almost have.
I miss you. I miss your filthy words and your hypnotic half-smile. I miss your touch and the way you always seem to know. I miss holding your hand to cross streets, sipping wine and crushing vegetation while bouncing in and out of reality. I miss your kiss goodbye.
But I should probably forget you. I'm starting to think I made you up. She is my proof I didn't, but she's gone too. I've never felt this alone before, and I can't say I like it.
I guess time has come back to me, it may be slow and difficult, but it's apparent. At least, with that, I can settle down and try to understand. But that's only if I want to, but I'll make up some excuses now, some excuses as to why I never want to do anything, why I can never understand, why I'm changing at a speed so ahead of time, so infinite.
I'm trying to remember when the metamorphosis began, but I've forgotten everything behind me, and forgotten the future exists. Maybe this moment is all that is. This moment of nothing. This moment of missing you, missing her. Like the biggest mistake you ever made. Like the one thing you ever feel regret over. The one thing that wasn't fate. You've vanished, like them all, and I can't have that.
Everyone who ever means anything leaves me here. I know I'm not special, I know they aren't leaving just to spite me, but right now, I dont care why they're gone, only that they are, and I'm not.
3:51, time just expanded.
It's my only reassurance that I'm still here, and I never realized it. Check your pain to know you're alive, check the lights to know you're awake, check the time to know you're still here. Play by the rules, but you're talking shit.
The worst kind of fuck-up.
Now I'm just counting. Stare at the clock, check you're here. Pain, lights, time.
I need a cigarette.
"I don't want to know the time", because you're tripping balls and you don't want reality to seep in.

1 comment:

  1. Aw, no, it was gorgeous & perfect that he left when he did. He's really only a man, with flaws and things we'd come to hate.

    The fact that he left means he'll stay perfect forever. A lovely, lovely treasure to cherish. One of my favourite memories.

    I admit, even now, thinking of him or seeing a picture (gods, a picture) makes it a little hard to breathe, but ONLY BECAUSE HE LEFT.

    If he stayed, he would cease to be perfect. You understand, don't you?