Monday, March 2, 2009

Sam, I think I'm dead.

That was when it would happen, and it did. I tried to stay with him, but he told me to wait for him, he'd be back in a second and he'd find me.
But he didn't. Instead, I found someone else, and we had our adventures, and he rambled on. "I'm trippin' balls man, I'm meant to be level-headed but I don't even know what's going on, man. Woah, what the fuck!? Fuck man, this is too fucking... Woah! Wait, wait... This way! Hold up... Where are we?"
But through the different pulses in the music, he began to scare me. I shuffled away from him, "What's going on? Explain the situation to me! No, really".
"We're fine, were sitting in the DJ booth tripping balls. It's all good, it's relevant to the situation, just calm down and listen to the music".
In the end, too far gone to make much sense of anything, Zach approached me and tried to make me understand there was nothing wrong with the drug, that I'd be fine. "You trust me, don't you?"
No, I don't trust you, or anyone. Off I go, to walk around in circles, looking for my demon, looking for his arms of safety to assure me I was going to be okay.

"I've been looking for you!"
"Ferret, I knew you would be, we are in touch, so in touch, 'cause we are the indigo race".
And so he continues to tell me of movement, energy, mind, matter, memories, knowledge, mirrors. "You're my exact opposite. See those stars? I'm in your mind, everyone has an exact opposite. You're familiar with the mind from body seperation process, right? you are just a star, reflecting me. Because you are me. And all those memories, you created them".
He began to ecome everyone and everything I'd ever known, and my mind began to compact down, down, down, almost there. And then, a distraction, and so that moment would never become and I would never see what he was trying to show me.
But I was so afraid.
"Am I dead?"
"Does it matter? We're only energy! Life, death, everything in between 'n' shit. We have nothing".
"I am dead. How long do we have to lay here 'til they come for us?". I s'pose I meant the soul collecters, or something. I couldn't yet accept the world I'd fallen in to. A world of repeatition, a horrible loop. I couldn't escape it, I was dead and it would go on for forever, a loop of nothing, how did I die?
"An eternity", he answered, as we lay down, him calling out to people that we had nothing, we were just souls left behind.
"You're not him", I sobbed. "Tell me what you did with him. I need him".
"It is me, but you are me, you created me. We are one, exact opposites. We will never be able to leave eachother, but we can't have eachother either".
And this proved true, as I tried to break away, walking away from the world of death only to be assured that it just continued, nothing to do, nowhere to go, souls scattered and left behind with nothing but endless circles of nothingness forever.
I returned to him, and he nodded. "You can't escape it, Ferret! See, nobody cares for us! There is nothing else, and it will continue until you realize! Feel something!"
But he'd taken away all feeling, as my head lolled and eyes closed, as the death of my mind called my body to join it. And then, Sam and Ash, amidst their own uncomfortable trip walked past, and I jumped up so fast.
"Sam, I think I'm dead".
He stared at me, shocked, trippin' face and I think I scared him a little. "You're not dead".
"I am, can I please, please, please come with you guys?"
But as the demon reminded me I had nowhere to go, the plan fell through and I was in hell again, with the demon of knowledge and power, the demon I loved and was waiting for.
And then, Armchair returned, and I fight occured.
Here it was, I could stay with me loopin' out demon of knowledge and probably die, or rejoin life with a couple of strangers who would tell me nothing but that they were trippin' balls.
I chose them, and as the memories suddenly once more became more than creation, as I exited the space of my mind and entered reality, slowly, but surely, I suddenly registered the truth of the universe, of life's blank and teh power of the mind, of creation, and I worried for my demon, but I couldn't enter the repeatition Hell ever again.

The hold in the morning, the ever-lasting "I'm sorry", "I still love you", and the realization of the truth was worth it all.

1 comment:

  1. Jesus Christ.
    Now THAT was an intense trip!

    You didn't know this at the time, me, but your freaky demon was actually getting you naked and distracting you with this loopy shit, trying to bone you.
    People saw this, and were worried for you, and the one you called 'Armchair' actually came to rescue you on purpose. All that 'I'm tripping balls, man' was him purposefully trying to relate to you so you'd feel like he was on the same level as you, so you'd quit freaking out.
    He pretty much is a saviour and a hero, old Armchair.

    And your freaky demon? NO WONDER you were so messed up, hanging around someone who was putting all that shit in your head & trying to take advantage of you. Like, what the fuck?

    Nah, man.
    This wasn't a 'wow, he showed me so much knowledge, what an amazing guy' moment. This was fucked up.

    But you don't realise ANY of this until much later. EVEN AFTER MULTIPLE PEOPLE TOLD YOU WHAT REALLY HAPPENED, you put him on a freakin' pedestal! You perceive people like him as 'wonderful guides' and 'amazing friends', but they are NOT.

    THEN you have to deal with the trauma that your crazy, stupid mind ignored back then, yeaaaaars later.

    God, you're a fucking idiot. And you think you're SO SMART.

    You're not. You are SO not. Never, ever delude yourself into thinking you are.

    Fuck you, me. I honestly hate you right now.