Monday, April 13, 2009

A little long and meaningless self-assessment.

I think I have no personality, or maybe a different one depending on who I am with at the time. Without realizing, I pick and choose how I will react to certain things being done and said. I am not funny, or smart, or creative, or generous enough. I'm not the one with the interesting stories, fucked if I can keep my mouth open long enough to say "While I was on the train, this one time, me and this guy". I'm not the one who's happiness makes smiles appear on everyone elses faces, because, while I'm not really unhappy, I am far from eccstatic. I'm not the one you come to when you need to buy drugs, when you need someone to do drugs with, when you're having a party and inviting people, when you need a place to stay.

Even if deep within this self, anyone could stand up and tell me I do, in fact, have something to offer, or some form of personality, it's only private. In public, I seldom speak, and if I do, it is something along the lines of 'sup 'n' shit?'.

So now that I know I have nothing to offer in public, I will assess whether or not I have something, say, judging from my writing, my 'one on one' time and whatnot. And I wonder. Do I make you laugh? Hardly, considering the majority of this shit is sooooooo serious! But then, is it serious enough to leave you pondering? To inspire? To make you think 'Wow, that bitch knows her stuff!'. Of course not, because I know nothing much whatsoever. I like to think, but I'm never right, only creating. And so, if you have nothing to offer, are not easily noticed, missed, loved, how are you anyone?

The problem is, I have no-i-fucking-dea how to get close to anyone. I don't understand friendships. Loyalty, trust, honesty? But who, these days, has a single of those virtues, let alone all three? And so, even if I AM close to someone, I wouldn't know it, because I would have seen something in one of us that would put us less than friends. Yet, when I think maybe I have made a friend somewhere, I'm utterly mistaken. So, let's keep any relations, acquaintances. This saves them wondering what they did wrong, and what I need to do to improve.

But also, though this would work, I have the DESIRE to make friendships. You know, have somewhere to go, something to do, someone to talk to. Someone to give a shit about other than myself. The human mind, on avergage, bases only about 10 percent on empathy. I could say this was correct NOW... But once upon a time, I would die for anyone, just to see them smile. Now I wonder if I could endure a broken bone to save their lives.

I could name six, seven people that actually matter at all to me, in some way. I'd like to be able to say more, you know, because they seem to enjoy my company, what are they doing wrong? Something small... Something small that makes me want to mutilate them.

Acid. As I said, the only knowledge I was ever going to gain, I got from my first time. Sure, whilst tripping, you may discover a lot, but the point is, the acid opened your mind and so, even while sober, you have the ability to think the things you wanted to. Yeah, LSD is great, sure. What you may not have realized is, there is a fucking price to pay. It steals some of your self, to make room for the knowledge. Suddenly, instead of a person, you're a fucking book.

I miss what I was, whatever it was. And maybe I'd have been okay with just the first tab, that lovely trip... But you know what else? If my mind hadn't already been somewhat 'open' to begin with, I would never have been able to handle it. Which is why I suggested certain people didn't touch it, they are not in the right mind state. Many of the thought I had now, even most of them, I had before. Yes, they are somewhat more intensified and I'm probably learing faster, but I wouldn't mind taking the longroad. It wouldn't be so overwhelming, and I'd still be human at the end.

I'm getting closer to throwing that fucking shit, everything, my beloved acid included right out the fucking window. At least I'm smart enough to see there is something wrong with it, there is some addiction. Your mind craves it, makes you think it's the best thing in the universe, that only with it can you learn, can you have a good time, can you see fractals. Get fucking real. If you'd paid any attention to your acid lessons, and looked beyond what you are shown and dug into the heart of the drug, you'd see that that's bullshit. LSD is wonderful, it is, I will never say it isn't, because it is.

But we weren't born with this gift. It's not ours to abuse.


  1. I'd definitely call us friends.

    Loyalty, trust, honesty? But who, these days, has a single of those virtues, let alone all three?


  2. Aw, NR. <3

    But I mean, at this time, I didn't think of anyone as a friend. Hindsight, huh? It's a fucker.

    This post though has more clarity than the previous ones. I don't agree with you, past me, but I think you're being honest for a change. Still, you're a dick, and I wouldn't want to be your friend.